Thanksgiving With Mom

I lost it over the Thanksgiving holiday and had a yelling match with my mother. You'd think I'd know better. You'd think I'd remember that she's not the mother I remember. I write about this all of the time and when I'm in my sane mind, I do remember. Well, guess I was not sane on that day.
The conversation started out normally--fairly benign. Before I knew it, she was yelling at me for not telling her something or other. The yelling was no problem, I'm used to that. But then the tables really turned. She looked me dead in the eyes and called me stupid! I should have seen it in her eyes that she was no longer really talking to me. She was yelling about her circumstances. She was angry about not being able to remember simple things. She was distraught about not being able to care for herself anymore. She was upset because it was Thanksgiving and she didn't know it. She was just angry....
And I? I fell right into the hole and started yelling back. I said I yelled at her because she called me stupid. Was that the real reason? I don't think so. I was yelling because she was not the mother I remembered. I was angry because I could not have the wonderful conversations with her that we used to have. I was distraught because she threw away a beautiful family picture quilt I had made for her--an heirloom. I was upset because I absolutely hate that she has Alzheimer's. I was just angry.
I left her apartment in a huff and did not go back for a few days. She never missed me and forgot about the fight probably before I'd taken the elevator down from the third to the first floor.
She doesn't remember, but I do. I feel guilty at myself for yelling back and hurt because I now take my place along with many others in her life--as someone who can be forgotten in the blink of an eye. No she hasn't forgotten me completely, but in that blink of an eye when she forget who I was, I got a glimpse of what it will be like and it will not be pretty.
So, I returned home from that Thanksgiving trip very much changed. A warm place in my heart has gone cold. Now I really miss my mother.